Sad Exchange
by Grey Wolf of Xanthus
Summary: Lupin's sorrows after HP5. SPOILERS!! this suggests lupin and sirius was a couple meaning slash. contains alcohol


**Sad Exchange**

**By: Grey Wolf**

**Disclaimer: **I should not even be able to love Lupin never mind own him or any other character. They belong to J.K. Rowling a brilliant woman even after what she did to poor Sirius ;-( the song sad exchange is owned by Finger Eleven

**Note:** This is a very sad fic. Lupin suffers from Sirius' death and is then plagued by guilt.

**Rating/warning: **Pg-13 I suppose, yaoi, mention of sex, angst, drinking,
    
    Quietly thinking to myself
    
    Sharing half our mind instead of none
    
    The shakings just begun
    
    The pleasantries are gone,
    
    This sad exchange pleased neither one of us 

The room was eerie and dark from where I stood in the hallway, blocking the light from the door with my body. Everything is how he left it a few hours ago… or was it days? I couldn't tell. The sorrow in me bubbled in me along with Muggle drink in which I tried to drown it in. My head spun from the thing they called wine. It had been one of Si… His favourite drinks when we where young and it seemed appropriate at the time but now I felt sick and uneasy with it all. I never did have the true taste for drinking. 

I realised that I was shaking uncontrollable and I just wanted him back so he could hold me, could kiss me as he always did in a little ruff but also gentle manner which always confirmed that he wanted me and yearned for me yet loved me fiercely. The bed was still a mess of twisted sheets and blankets from our last flare of passion and I knew that it would be the last time that our bodies have rocked together to the fulfilment; the last time that he would look into my eyes with love and lust in perfect balance. 
    
    So we finally gave up
    
    The meanings tend to give out
    
    The Time was gone to act out
    
    this living torture, living torture 

I took a swing from the bottle I had brought back with me. The house was silent and my heart ached for noise suddenly. I longed for his breath on my neck or his footsteps… Anything!  The house was completely still. I cursed it.

I tripped over my feet to the bed, loosing my wand in the process but not caring. I won't be able to cast a single spell in this state anyway, I was too incoherent.
    
    No talking When I want you to Listen
    
    No talking cos it's Living torture, Living torture
    
    Don't know why, don't know why, we can't stand aside
    
    There are all too many faces, we dont see right
    
    If I had known back then
    
    Whatever I know now
    
    I'd think I'd have answers but I don't know why 

 I lifted the bottle to my lips again to find it empty. 'Just as well' I thought and sank down on the bed. It smelled so much like him that I merely breathed it. It was musky and strong and I was totally lost in the torture of it. I wept in my drunken state, aroused by the smell of him while the alcohol in my blood burned in my veins.

I hated my own existence. This drunken body sprawled on Sirius' bed. Pitiful. Why did I ever even love me? I wasn't worthy of him, I never had been. Oh Sirius, Sirius, my love. Why did you die and I'm still here? Why didn't she claim my soul for her even master? Why didn't I face her? 
    
    So we finally gave up
    
    The Meanings tend to give out
    
    The Time was gone to act out
    
    But Here I am and I'm still living 
    
    No talking when I want you to listen
    
    No Talking cos it's Living Torture, Living Torture
    
    No talking when I want you to listen
    
    Don't tell me what I'm trying to say to you 

I couldn't escape my misery. Again for the hundredth time I saw it all play out before me. Sirius falling into the veil and Harry… Oh Harry if it hadn't been for the boy I would have gone after him myself. How I had clinged to Harry, forcing down my howl of despair… did I even achieve that? I couldn't know. Did my tears flow when my heart broke? I couldn't recall now.

The room was spinning and spinning now and my tears flowed. Sirius was gone. I screamed it at the roof in anger and desperation. "WHY!" I was challenging God now, wanting answers in my drunkenness. I wanted Sirius back! I wasn't needed here! Harry needed you Sirius! I needed you! I missed 12 years I couldn't live the rest of my life without your scent on my body, your fingers in my hair, your soft and gentle love…
    
    Both of us know
    
    What it sounds like in my mind
    
    Now both of us know
    
    What it sounds It Sounds like
    
    Both of us know
    
    What it sounds like in my mind
    
    Now both of us know
    
    Now both of us know 

I had screamed this all without realising it. The house vibrated it to me in silence. My head rung with the effort of bellowing it out at the top of my lungs and I snuggled deeper into the soft bedding that smelled of him. In my drunkenness I could almost feel him against my flesh as I started too drifted into a drunken stupor some called sleep.

A sudden thought entered my mind just before I sunk into sleep completely: Was he behind the veil screaming as I had screamed? Was he tortured as I was? Was his longing far worse? And was he really… was he really dead? The veil was so complex that I hope survived didn't it? I imagined him reaching out to me from beyond the veil and that the suffering had ended. No words passed between us, as always we really didn't need them.
    
    No talking when I want you to listen
    
    No Talking cos it's Living Torture, Living Torture
    
    No talking when I want you to listen
    
    Don't tell me what I'm trying to say to you 
    
    Somewhere in my drunken dreams this became real. He had come back and we were in this very bed again. I knew that it was a lie though and that in the morning my heart would break again and that I would by hung over. All I could think as he took me in his arms in one of my dreams that this was a sad exchange for what had been almost 2 years of bliss…
    
    Quietly thinking to myself

This sad exchange pleased neither on of us


End file.
